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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25369735">He Knows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Collinder/pseuds/Collinder'>Collinder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Person of Interest (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Season/Series 04, Unrequited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:42:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25369735</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Collinder/pseuds/Collinder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A little interpretation of their relationship, around s4.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harold Finch &amp; John Reese</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>He Knows</h2></a>
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    <p class="p1">Harold knows.</p><p class="p1">He knows how John sometimes stares at him, face full of something akin to wonder. He knows how John’s smiles to him, when genuine, are just slightly softer than those he gives others. He knows the light comforting touches that John seems couldn’t resist giving him. He knows the moments when John catches himself being wistful and schools his expression back to blankness.</p><p class="p1">Harold knows all of this. Because he has been here before. He was there for thirty years. He had prepared to spend his whole life in tuned-down longing, content already with what he had — a great friend — until a project with this friend brought him to Grace.</p><p class="p1">It is such irony that this project also brought John to him, and with the gloomy future awaiting them, Harold knows there is no relief for John except the inevitable death, which will be caused by this exact same project.</p><p class="p1">It is not that he doesn’t love John dearly, as a closest friend — one of the only two he has ever had. But there is so much death and destruction that is ultimately his fault, so much havoc in this world that is ultimately caused by him, so many careers and lives destroyed because of him.</p><p class="p1">He couldn’t bear the thought of himself taking any pleasure in this life. The only purpose keeping him going is the urge to fight and to make up for his mistakes with all his might. He couldn’t bear the thought of taking what John has been wordlessly offering, with the knowledge that Nathan died because of him, that Grace has been mourning for him and had to leave her home because of him, that John’s career terminated, almost together with his life, because of him, that John will eventually die because of him.</p><p class="p1">And yes, he knows John will die for him, no matter how hard he is trying to prevent that from happening.</p><p class="p1">He knows John thinks his life is Harold’s. He knows John thinks he himself is Harold’s. He knows John will take with grateful heart whatever is given to him, and never be bitter about what he couldn’t take.</p><p class="p1">So he knows, although John wants his intimacy, desperately, John would never ask him for it. He would contain it, until the inevitable moment death catches up with them.</p><p class="p1">It irritates him, with unexpected immensity — John’s steadfast devotion and his stubborn lack of self-preservation, regarding his heart. Time after time he catches himself unwittingly hurting John — with stiff words, with blank faces, with lack of acknowledgement — and finds it too late to remedy the situaion. He wants John to finally be angry, or at least be disappointed, and leave him alone as he deserves. But time after time John goes on offering comfort to <em>him</em>, as if not affected at all. Harold knows better than believing that he is not hurting. It irriates him, and sometimes he even wants to, heaven forbid, intentionally hurt John, with pointed words or dismissiveness. He wants John to break, to look at his own wounds and feel them, to do something about them — to focus on <em>himself </em>for once and not Harold — but he never manages to make it happen. John is always there offering him soft words, a tight smile, a light touch — it breaks Harold’s heart just a little more.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Until one day, when he couldn’t help but doing it again, hurting John, hurting himself, because John was once again too close and too comforting, he met John’s eyes, and saw calm blue eyes gazing at him. Then he realizes — John knows exactly what he is doing. John knows what he knows about John, and what he decides to do or not to do. And he is standing here as usual, infintely gentle.</p><p class="p1">He averted his eyes.</p><p class="p1">Eventually he stands up with a sigh, and walks over to John to rest a hand on his arm, just for a second.</p><p class="p1">He doesn’t need to look up to know that John is gazing at him with his sad, beautiful smile. </p>
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